It’s 12:45 on a Saturday night, and I do know where I’m at. I suppose technically, it is a Sunday morning, and contrary to how this story would have gone a year ago–or six months ago, for that matter–I’m sitting in a semi-dark condo, alone, with what remains of a small bottle of tequila that I’d discovered earlier in a half-assed effort to clean my place. There was a time when I’d start stories like this, in this very dark room with a drink, pondering life and my purpose in this town, but then without fail, the night would ultimately devolve into a blurry wave of debauchery in Old Town Scottsdale, complete with nameless girls, sketchy afterparties, and mysterious new friends with seemingly nefarious intentions. 

But alas, I find myself now in sort of a curious state of disarray. It’s not as if I haven’t been invited out; indeed, I’ve gotten texts from more than a couple of interested girls and restless friends inquiring and suggesting plans for the evening. Apparently, the full moon is gone so this weekend should be great and drama-free on the scene. Yeah, I’m not falling for that again…

I struggled to find excuses for my cancellations and declinations throughout the day as I didn’t really have any tangible reason as to why I was unable to leave my house on what is universally known in this town as the one day of freedom for all. “Oh, that sounds awesome! I’d love to. Unfortunately, I’m swamped with work right now. I doubt I’ll be able to break free,” is the best that I could come up with. A very reasonable response given the nightmare ending to what was once my dream job that left me inches away from ruin, the excuse of focusing on work is both believable and admirable, “Oh, he’s trying to get back on his feet,” and whatnot. And in a way, that isn’t too far removed from the truth despite the fact that I’ve done no more work today than a couple of emails.

The thing is, I do love this town. I love the Old Town scene and way of life. It truly is nothing short of the pseudo-rockstar lifestyle that I always assumed was just a thing of myth, the fictional neverending party that is the life of Instagram influencers and the sons and daughters of Scottsdale millionaires. The past eight or nine years of living within walking distance of a combination of the most beautiful people the state has to offer and all the late-night luxuries you might imagine come with such a scene have been exciting, to say the least; but I can’t help but notice that I find myself in more or less the same place in life that I was nearly a decade ago when I first arrived. 

To be fair, my success in marketing, networking, and sales has afforded me a lifestyle that many would die for. From the outside perspective, I’m sure it appears that I’ve achieved a great many things; and while that is technically true, up until recently, I’ve still felt as if I was struggling to survive in a world I wasn’t meant for. An imposter amongst professionals, a migrant in a foreign land. And with this mindset, I decided to make a change. 

The new job–which really is just a continuation of a prior job–has nearly consumed me fully, but in a good way. I’ve seen the evolution of this project over the past 8 years and I’ve spent the past six months helping bring it to fruition while also perfecting the pitch and securing sales. It IS the thing that will take me to the next level. Everything is falling into place; I can see it. I can feel it. With that being said, I didn’t spend the day or evening working. To be honest, we’ve got a pretty solid system in place. Dozens of developers and proofreaders and assistants are working away, but not I.

And thus, I don’t actually have a valid excuse for not going out tonight to the beautiful disaster that is the Old Town Scottsdale Saturday night scene. Perhaps I’ve finally come to the realization that the girl that I’m looking for probably wouldn’t be in the places where I typically end up on nights like this, or maybe I fear the potential to fall back into the bars on the edge of the vortex that may have led to the uneasy sense of wasted time that currently encompasses me. 

Or maybe I just don’t feel like being around other humans. Maybe I just need to recharge.